The Austyn Josephine Series Part 2- The Birth

I woke up around 1:30 am

"Something is weird, Trent," I said, in a shaky voice. "I think these babies are coming!"

He, of course, was knocked out and had to process what I was saying. My mom came to be with Alivia and we headed to the hospital. Here I am, in active labor, whining to Trent because I won't be able to take Alivia to the circus the next day. It was going to be our last "only child" family outing before the twins came. This is what I was talking about in between contractions on the way to the hospital😅

about 1 hour before Trent Anthony and Austyn Josephine were born

My plan was for a drug free vaginal birth. That's what I did with Alivia and these babies were both head down so that's what I was going to do here. They got me all hooked up to the monitors and decided to do a last minute ultrasound. 

"Oh Shit!'' These were the words the doctor said when she looked at the ultrasound. "Twin B (Austyn) is breech."

Damnit! I didn't want to have to recover from a c-section while my daughter was going to be recovering from open heart surgery, ya know! I mean, how the hell was that going to work?? 

The doctor checked me and her face went into "go time" mode.

"You are like 8 centimeters. These babies are coming now!"

Uhhh yeah....that what I tried to tell y'all😬

They start to talk to me about a c-section. They are NOT trying to hear about my plans for this birth. I felt like they couldn't see me as a mom in labor but as a woman pregnant with a kid who's heart didn't work. I understand the birth becomes much more complicated when there are twins and even more complicated when one has a CHD. It was my understanding, though, that as long as the umbilical cord was attached, her blood would mix just fine and she would be OK. I am NOT a doctor so I could be totally wrong about that. The point is, I DIDN'T FEEL HEARD! I was scared shitless about what we were about to find when Austyn came out and no one was taking care of me. No one was tending to my fear and my words. 

I was so far along when I got there that my doctor didn't make it to the hospital. I had just laid eyes on these doctors and they had just laid eyes on me.....and my chart. I get that they are the professionals and they want to make sure everyone is OK, I just felt alone in that moment.

I was prepped for surgery. Trent called our doula and told her there was no point in coming up to the hospital as I was now having a c-section. The nurse that prepped me was like an angel in there. You nurses....y'all are really a special breed of people! I hope you all know how amazing you are and how appreciative I am for you.

 

Sorry, had to throw that in there....

OK, so she was asking me questions.

"What are you having?" 

"What names have you picked out?"

She made me feel human and heard and important. All I could see in the doctors faces was fear and uncertainty and all I could see in hers was excitement. She was excited for me to give birth to my babies, yall! It was one of the only times, since the diagnosis, that I felt excited about this impending birth. When we found out all about Austyn's CHD, it was like all the excitement of having my babies had been slowly let out. The air in the "excitement balloon" had been slowly leaked out with every doctors appointment and every article and every "consultation" I had with my friends in the medical field. The stress and fear of birthing a baby who may have to be immediately intubated had taken any excitement I had and crushed it up like a piece of notebook paper in its scary hand.

The surgery started. I look at Trent. I have never, in the 15+ years that we have been together, seen this man so scared.

Trent Anthony is out and immediately screaming his head off. The tears start to fall. 

Holding my SON for the first time about 6 hours after birth. I couldn't believe I had a baby boy!

I will never forget when they brought him to me. I said, "Hi baby boy!" Like in slow motion, he turned his head and looked at me in awe as if to say, "I've been looking for you!"

Trent Anthony

Alvia, Jojo and Trent Anthony

Alivia holding her baby brother. Doesn't she look thrilled?😆

Proud Papa

They had a really hard time getting Austyn out. I think I remember them even using the forceps. She was just cozy, I guess. She's out. No sound. I look up at Trent.

"Is she OK? What is going on? Can you see," I hurriedly ask Trent.

"I don't know, Sweetheart. I'm not sure."

He always calls me sweetheart when he is taking the fatherly role. When he is protecting me or I am getting on his nerves. The sweetheart label made me know he was scared and was trying to hide it from me.

They took her out of the room to work on her. I told Trent to go and see what was going on. They tried to get her to breathe on her own and she wouldn't. Right as they have everything ready to start the intubation, she starts breathing. Already stubborn and running the show! Sounds like someone else I know.....ahem, TRENT!

Both babies were taken to the level 3 NICU. 

I didn't discuss this in the last entry, but in looking at the babies' hearts closely, they were concerned about Trent Anthony's heart as well. Not in the magnitude that they were concerned about Austyn's, but still concerned. That ended up being nothing and he was perfectly healthy. Not sure how I would have been able to handle that so THANK YOU GOD!

Austyn had a procedure done almost immediately to make a hole in her heart to allow the oxygen to mix in the days leading up to her surgery. I was able to see both babies and hold them later that evening. Austyn looked a little like Rocky to me💓. She was a fighter from day 1, y'all!

sweet baby girl

this is the one where I think she looks like Rocky😂
Look at that curled lip!!

this is what Austyn looked like the first time i saw her

close up of her face the first time we saw her

her face was not having it with the tape from the feeding tube

first time seeing her pretty face without anything on it

The next 6 days would be spent back and forth to the hospital. Pumping, nursing, praying, and waiting for what I thought would be the hardest day of my life. 

Oh how I wish I was right about that...

Come back for Part 3 of the Austyn Josephine series! Coming up next is her open heart surgery (arterial switch). Thanks so much for being here💓

The Austyn Josephine Series Part 1- The Diagnosis

Hey yall! So glad you are here! I am starting a series of blog posts about my daughter Austyn Josephine. Over the next week or so, I will retell her story. This is something I have wanted to do for so long and I am so happy to be doing it. This serves as therapy for me and I hope it tells you a little bit more about my life and my sweet daughter💓

I was 34 weeks pregnant with boy(Trent Anthony)/girl (Austyn Josephine) twins at my high risk specialist check-up appointment. The nurse was preparing me for the ultrasound and we were discussing how she handles giving bad news to parents. It was purely random. I think I asked her, “Is it hard on you to be in the room and have to watch parents get bad news about their unborn babies?”

High risk doctors and nurses see all kinds of pregnancies. This is the place that people go when there is “something wrong” with the baby.

Shaking her head yes, she said, “Yes! And I always tell the parents….DO NOT go home and google this!”

It was a flippant conversation that would prove to be a look into the very near future. The doctor came in and started the ultrasound. I’m laying there. He’s measuring all sorts of things and clicking here and there on the machine. I’m alone, of course because, being on the second pregnancy, my husband, if off work, needed to be home with Alivia (our oldest) when I went to the doctor. No big deal, though. This is a routine ultrasound right?

I’m watching the screen.

The doctor is watching the screen.

Call it mother’s intuition, but I knew things were not ok. I could see both heartbeats but I could tell he was looking closely at the image. His head tilted to the side. His hand came up to his mouth. He squinted a little.

“What do you see,” I said. “Is it something bad?”

“It’s hard to say for sure, but I think your daughter, has transposition of the great arteries.”

Silence

I had absolutely no clue what that meant but I knew it was not something he wanted her to have. The feeling in the room told me that. The look on his face told me that. The sadness and thought of potential pain on his face told me that.

“So what does that mean?” I tried to conceal the fact that my heart had dropped to my toes. I knew in my gut this was not a good thing

“It is a congenital heart defect.” He proceeded with caution. “The main arteries of her heart are on the wrong sides.”

Ummmm, I’m sorry…WHAT?!

“If she does indeed have this, she will need open heart surgery within the first week of life.”

Pretty sure my ears turned off at that point. All I could do is stare at him. Is this real life? He must have the wrong lady! My babies were totally fine at the 20 week anatomy scan. What is he even talking about?

I distinctly remember him saying, “I hope this is not the case.”

Yall! When a doctor hopes your kid doesn’t have what he thinks they have, its BAD!

So here I am. Alone. Wiping cold jelly off my tummy that holds my two precious babies. Trying to get myself together so I can get up and get out of here. I need to talk to someone I know. I need to talk to them so they can tell me this isn’t true and this is not what is happening.

Plans were made to get an echo cardiogram of the babies hearts so we could get a confirmation of whether or not Austyn did, in fact, have transposition of the great arteries. It was Friday. I had all weekend to think about this. To worry about this. To search on the Internet, because you know that’s the first place I went! I contacted everyone I knew in the labor/delivery, ob/gyn world and asked everything I could. This is how I deal with panic. I overwhelm myself with information in hopes of feeling in control. It doesn’t work. Pretty sure it makes it worse.

The next appointment confirmed our fears. Austyn had TOGA. They drew it out for us. They explained the procedure. They crushed our hopes for a perfectly healthy child.

Two weeks later Austyn Josephine would come into this world and begin the fight of her life.

This link gives detailed info about the heart defect if you are interested in reading😊

Transposition of the Great Arteries

Come back tomorrow!! I’m posting a new blog every day this week and they are all part of the Austyn Josephine Series!

Ok...Yall! I have no idea what I'm doing here. I have wanted to start a blog for so long and I finally stopped talking and started doing. This is my first post. Am I even typing this in the right spot? Like, am I supposed to introduce myself? For real....out. of. my. comfort. zone!

I wrote the piece below a couple weeks ago because I wanted to get it out and didn't have any where to put it. I saved it on my computer for the "one day" when I started my blog. Welp....here we are. And it's just like me to start off with something vulnerable...

1/22/19

Tonight I cheated. I had a meal that is completely off my meal plan that I have been following. Yall….it was freaking delicious! I enjoyed every bite of it! It was kind of spontaneous. That spontaneous aspect of it has me freaking out a bit. It feels out of control. It feels dangerous. It feels familiar. A familiar that I don’t want to revisit. A familiar that caused pain and suffering and isolation. Why can’t I have some damn chicken nuggets and fries and it not be a psychological self evaluation. I feel like my whole demeanor changes. I get nervous. I get quiet. I get excited. What is wrong with me yall? Do other people have this reaction? When I think about eating off my plan I immediately get scared….scared I'm going to be right back on that spot on the couch. Right back to being 326 lbs. Right back to being so depressed and isolated from the outside world.

Why can’t I just have some damn chicken nuggets?

I don’t want food to have this much power. I don’t want it to dictate my thoughts and my physiology. I want it to be a normal thing that is part of nourishment AND pleasure. I want food to be a NON-ISSUE! Is that even possible for me? I want to make peace. I want to walk up to FOOD and shake its hand, introduce myself and extend the olive branch (pun intended)! I want us to be friends. Our relationship has been rocky the last 10 years.  We need to squash it. We need to move on. We need to heal.