Ok...Yall! I have no idea what I'm doing here. I have wanted to start a blog for so long and I finally stopped talking and started doing. This is my first post. Am I even typing this in the right spot? Like, am I supposed to introduce myself? For real....out. of. my. comfort. zone!

I wrote the piece below a couple weeks ago because I wanted to get it out and didn't have any where to put it. I saved it on my computer for the "one day" when I started my blog. Welp....here we are. And it's just like me to start off with something vulnerable...

1/22/19

Tonight I cheated. I had a meal that is completely off my meal plan that I have been following. Yall….it was freaking delicious! I enjoyed every bite of it! It was kind of spontaneous. That spontaneous aspect of it has me freaking out a bit. It feels out of control. It feels dangerous. It feels familiar. A familiar that I don’t want to revisit. A familiar that caused pain and suffering and isolation. Why can’t I have some damn chicken nuggets and fries and it not be a psychological self evaluation. I feel like my whole demeanor changes. I get nervous. I get quiet. I get excited. What is wrong with me yall? Do other people have this reaction? When I think about eating off my plan I immediately get scared….scared I'm going to be right back on that spot on the couch. Right back to being 326 lbs. Right back to being so depressed and isolated from the outside world.

Why can’t I just have some damn chicken nuggets?

I don’t want food to have this much power. I don’t want it to dictate my thoughts and my physiology. I want it to be a normal thing that is part of nourishment AND pleasure. I want food to be a NON-ISSUE! Is that even possible for me? I want to make peace. I want to walk up to FOOD and shake its hand, introduce myself and extend the olive branch (pun intended)! I want us to be friends. Our relationship has been rocky the last 10 years.  We need to squash it. We need to move on. We need to heal.